Wednesday, December 29, 2010

DIY Starbucks

Yesterday I parted with the alphas hard earned dollars for the last time in Starbucks. I love coffee. I positively love it; I’d have a bath in it if I wasn’t such a lazy bugger. So yesterday the offspring and I are out in the aftermath of the blizzard trekking to CVS to get formula (we accidentally went a mile out of the way to check out a vintage shop) and as a result the offspring was cold and red of visage. I decided to stop into someplace to get a coffee to warm us both up. I was passing Starbucks and began to dither. I usually hate starbucks but there was nowhere else on the journey home. What to do? Despite the fogged up windows and knowledge that the place really is just a total sh*thole, we wandered in as I was ok for further needless trekking through the snow (the vintage shop visit was a total accident).

I took a notion to treat myself and instead of the usual scorched Americano I chose with a stupid level of anticipation a white chocolate mocha. I’m thinking white chocolate and coffee…..mmmmmm, my ass badly needs these calories. How wrong I was. To start I forgot to ask them not to spray that white confection of chemicals from a can on top of it so I had a massive blob of “whipped cream” which was the first thing I tasted. I don’t actually mind this substance mostly as it tastes quite sweet and I would almost sell my cats for sugar at times. No, no. The thing about the cream was that it lulled me into thinking the contents of the do gooder green “I’m made from the arse of sustainably bred warthogs” coffee cup was not life threateningly hot. I was incorrect. I believe the contents of the cup took a good 4 layers of hard grown skin off my tongue and the entire roof of my mouth was reefed away by the scalding hot coffee. I didn’t even ask for it hot! Yes, you can get it extra hot. If I’d wanted such an experience I needn’t have paid 3.80 of the alphas hard earned dosh for it, I merely had to go home, fire up the gas cooker and attach my tongue to the flame. Simples.

Next, came the insult that was the “flavour”. For an extra 50 cents I could have gone up the road to another establishment and procured myself a mocha with ACTUAL CHOCOLATE in it, but silly and lazy Len must have subconsciously decided that a trapful of chemical tasting chocolate syrup would be far more pleasing to the tastebuds. What remained of them after the earlier scorching that is. The aftertaste of the “chocolate” was that of what I imagine anti freeze to taste like.

As I was walking home a thought struck me. I could do a DIY starbucks. All I needed to do was nip to the nearest zoological gardens, borrow a warthog, take it home and wrap it around my head. Next I fire up the gas cooker, singe the shit out of my tongue and pour the contents of my household cleaning products container down me craw and hey presto, I have a starbucks for free!! I would encourage you to try it but I think it might fall short of the actual starbucks experience and I wouldn’t want to deny anyone that little gem.


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